This Journey, The Fight.


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I’ve circled back,
To this moment again,
Rooted to this spot,
Waiting in vain.

Your eyes are shut tight,
You’re struggling to remember,
I look at you and miss,
That grey and dark November.

Such change is here,
Such distances are near,
The comfort of your words,
Has made way for its own fear.

Yes its the same story,
It is yet again, retold,
In silence we strive,
To smile in a life so cold.

It’s journey we’re meant to live,
Of stoic faith and solid hope,
It’s a test of courage,
Like when lovers elope.

At the end, sits a reality,
Meant only for the worthy,
Who’ve done their time,
Renounced pleasure, worldly.

It’s this life, here, right now,
Peace, quiet, and love  is all,
That’s left at the end of the fight,
To the finish line, even if you crawl.

Without You


Without You

What do I need from you,
Nothing much I guess,
Except perhaps a look,
Making me a mess.

What could I ask for,
What have you not given,
May just be a chance,
To forgive and be forgiven.

What can I possibly now say,
See, I’ve been around a while,
But I’m still looking for something,
That can just like that, make me smile.

Even now, when all is but over,
I just don’t know what to give,
To make us more beautiful,
That call out to us, to live.

What is still missing.
Between you and I,
That poems must remain,
The way you look in my eyes.

I don’t know what to say,
I don’t know what to do,
All I know, my love, is that,
Something’s missing, without you.

And Just Maybe…


Every so often you come and sit right in the middle of my mind. Every so often, I can only see every single moment I ever spent with you. Every so often I feel weak. Troubled. Tormented and harassed. Every so often. Every time I turn around I see a reminder of what I’ve lived through. Every time I see a boy and a girl walking together I see us. Or what used to be. Every time I drive down that street, I remember the conversation. I remember what I was to you and I’m sorry. Sorry that I was alive in a story that existed only in my head. Where you have taken up too much space for far too long. Its been a year since the masks fell. Its been a year of dragged steps towards a haunted healing and a haunted life. A year where I took two steps forwards and four steps back. Every so often, I feel sorry. I feel sorry for you and sorry for me. I feel sorry for all that couldn’t be. Maybe its a story of two different people, not us. Maybe its all just a story conjured in my head. Maybe. Maybe I was meant to be without you from the very first. Maybe,  just maybe, you were right. Maybe I’m the best that I could be, without you.

Love Is A Game.


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I want so much,
I want to change everything,
I’d live my life trying,
To live all we wish to live.

You talk to me,
I listen to each word,
All along the way,
Just trying to understand you.

When I look at you,
You look back and smile,
You ask me what’s the matter,
I’m happy you’re here this time.

All that we want,
We want it so life’s richer,
Richer in character and challenges,
Richer so its worth living.

Playing along with each other,
We cover life’s grounds together,
You teach me what it means to long,
Long for something so divine.

We fight today,
To keep our wits sharp,
We press each other’s buttons,
To just challenge the other’s heart.

This game carries on,
Till the day we change the rules,
You know we belong in the world,
Where Love is the Best Game.

Forgive & Forget


I wrench my heart,
I expose my soul,
My being has become,
Black as coal.

You look at me,
You’re scared, yes?
You can’t look away,
You’re a bit of a mess.

I saw the truth,
That you ran away from,
I made it mine,
Stood in the eye of the storm.

You look at me,
Trying to find your friend,
But after the cards you played,
I’m afraid it’s our end.

I’ve wrenched my heart,
And now I’m cold,
So I find the will,
To throw out the old.

I twisted my soul,
And now I don’t care,
About you and your fears,
Your substance lies bare.

Walk away now,
While you have a chance
A few lessons wait for you,
Karma does its wicked dance.

I promise you this,
Through all the pain and the sweat,
I’ll walk away smiling,
I will forgive & I will forget.

 

A New Love is Born


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Face covered with my hands,
I look at you through my fingers,
A glint of mischief in my eyes,
The kinds that on your lips lingers.

A coy smile I throw,
Across the room at you,
You slowly walk towards me,
Make me feel something new.

Your warmth trickles down,
Right down to my toes,
This is nothing less than magic,
Magic or love, who knows.

Whoever you are,
And wherever you’re going,
You are here right now,
And that’s all that’s worth knowing.

A projection of my subconscious,
Or a figment of my imagination,
These moments to me are real,
They are the object of my affection.

In a cloud I exist,
On a cloud I seem to walk,
When you are with me,
The world just seems to stop.

Miss me, do you?
When I am not around?
Do you miss this freedom too,
In us that we have found?

Talk to me tonight,
About everything under the sun,
I will listen to your story,
As if it were a prize I’d won.

Tomorrow is so far,
So much further from now,
Life is now, live a little,
Love will show you how.

This life is long,
So much longer alone,
Stay with me,
Let a new love be born.

 

 

Walking Away


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Days have gone by since,
Since we sat hand in hand,
Since we spoke into the night,
Since we walked in the sand.

You took me surprise,
As you said you’ll be by my side,
I could only watch in wonder,
As the world seemed to hide.

Things have changed now,
You’re apprehensive,
About what we have,
You’re so defensive.

Intimidated by the intimacy,
Afraid of the light,
Unfortunately it isn’t me,
Who you seem to be with in a fight.

We don’t talk about us anymore,
We talk in dialogues of blames,
Friends and enemies the same,
Who just play nasty games.

You and I were walking together,
Or such was what I had thought,
But my naivety be damned,
Now it turns out we’re not.

But i’m happy to walk away,
I know how bad hearts can ache,
I’m happy to be your friend,
Unlike lovers, friends are never fake.

So I’ll sit with you still,
And live along with you each day,
I’ll kill my heart,
As I’m walking away.

Soulless.


Deep inside who I am,
There’s a reverberation rising,
Its unease spreading itself,
Inside who I am.

Such shivers run,
Up and down my spine,
Born from the unrest,
That in me runs.

Stumbling along the path,
Life has brought me here,
Where there’s no end,
Or beginning to my path.

I’m inching towards the edge,
A bit more every day,
You push me so bad,
That I just go over the edge.

We play this game,
Of the tug of war,
This is pure evil,
It a game no more.

Let me be,
Let me breathe,
When I walk away,
Just let me be.

Because I’ll fight,
To save me from you,
To keep the faith alive in me,
To keep me- I will fight.

No room for the soulless,
In this world or anywhere else,
You’ll find the truth of you,
But not while you’re this soulless.

A Lil Bit Of Who I Am


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Pretty much a text book teen,
Cranky, complexed and hormonal,
I hated the world and it hated me back,
My life was almost zonal.

Grew into my grey life,
Did what i was told was right,
A tantrum here and here,
Once in a while, a violent fight.

Days became months,
Months became years,
Boredom and loneliness,
Became the sum of my fears.

Frantically I ran,
From pillar to post,
Sometimes was the guest,
Sometimes played the host.

I grew up, finally,
Became my own friend,
Forgot the trivialities,
Forgot the latest trend.

Fought for myself,
My biggest battle ever,
Tore my adversaries down,
None were too clever.

It took a while,
But my will was strong,
It took some patience,
To right the wrong.

Today I stand here,
With my head held high,
Ever so grateful to God,
His name in each sigh.

I thank him for the pain,
And thank him for the trials,
And thank for the roads i walked,
For miles and miles.

Blessed with true friends,
Blessed with my family,
My world is a song,
Of gumption and melancholy.

Struggle is my redemption,
For suffering I give a damn,
This is just a glimpse,
Just a lil bit of who I am.

IT Happens Only In India (Part 1)


I sat on the bed. Barely able to breathe. Heart lodged in my throat. Palms sweating. One eye on the clock and the other on the phone. Nervously checking if the network was clear. That’s when the pacing started, I wore out the floor with my frantic walking up and down the room. Every time the phone would ring, I’d jump right outta my skin. And unsurprisingly, it always turned out to be customer care or telemarketing or my mum telling me to calm the hell down. So far, it wasn’t working. I took a friend’s advice and decided to step out. Distract myself a little bit. And so it was that i landed up at a crowded mall with a few friends to shop, when finally the phone did ring and it was the call that i’d been waiting for all day. I ran to the nearest restroom and picked up. Ten minutes later, I walked out of the restroom, absolutely stunned. My friends looking at me like they’d seen a ghost. I sat down and Abhinav asked,” So? What did they say?” Literally incapable of speech, I took a deep breath and broke the news to everyone,”I made it.”

The next two weeks seem like a blur to me. They passed in a flurry of collecting documents, finishing the pending formalities at the college, shopping, etc. Fast forward to April 6th, my first day at TelMaximus. I entered the lobby, outwardly confident in my Austin Reed suit, and a nervous as all hell on the inside. The lobby seemed quiet, the receptionist asked me to take a seat, said someone would be down shortly to get me. Within the next few minutes, I saw a familiar face. Prerna Kulkarni, apart from me, the other candidate who’d made it. We looked at each other and a wide smile spread across our faces. I’m not sure, but i think we both muttered, “thank god” under our breaths when we saw each other. While we were talking about what we both expected the day had in store for us, a lady walked into the reception to fetch us and took us to another lobby where at least 50 more people were waiting. “Laterals”, says Prerna. I looked a her with a mighty confused expression and she clarified, “off campus, or non- freshers”, comprehension dawned, and I made a mental note to not let my ignorance all hang out next time.

As we walked down to the induction hall, I soaked in my surroundings. Mahogany paneled corridors, people silently working in their cubicles, high security areas with guards, it all seemed like a lot to take in. The induction began, let me not beat around the proverbial bush here, but the whole thing kinda sucked. Prerna and I kept shooting each other looks of utter boredom. I’m sure I saw a couple of people dosing off, I was one of them. Thankfully we got pulled out of the induction by Pramod, our new boss, for our very first team lunch. What shall follow shall be a lesson in the subtle art of deception, but we’ll get to that later. And so it was that Prerna and I went on our first lunch with Pramod and Anirudh, a senior in our team, as a part of the Global Alliances and Channels team.

That day, I got home at 8 p.m. and met Abhi and Abhik(funny, I know. They were roommates too at the time.), and we spoke about what happened that day and how exciting it was that this time had finally come in our lives where we could finally say, that we’re standing on our own two feet. We had dinner and they left early to let me catch some sleep. That was the first time, in a long time that I hit the bed and fell asleep in seconds of getting in. I woke up straight to the sound of the alarm at 6. I couldnt wait to get back in there. Today was when I was to get my I Card and my cubicle, my desktop…. so excited.

The office was a good 15 kms away. I got an early start and was at work at 9 sharp. Prerna joined me shortly ad we both went and met Srishti, from our new team. She was Prerna’s classmate from MBA and had referred her for this job. A petite and pretty girl, piercingly intelligent eyes and an extremely quiet personality. I could see this was not going to be an affair to remember at all. I was going to have trouble with this girl. She showed us our seats and went along with us to get our formalities sorted. We were just getting comfortable at our new desks, when Shreeram Cherian walked on to the floor. We’d met him during our interviews. He was our new manager. Simple, portly fellow… unassuming. I instantly took a liking to him. There was something very protective about him. Just like a manger should be. We discussed our first few basic assignments and then he left us to it. So I finally had my show on the road. My job, colleagues, managers and their bosses- all sorted. Thus, began my introduction to the world of the cubicle jungle and the over crowded canteens. IT, truly, happens only in India.