Every so often you come and sit right in the middle of my mind. Every so often, I can only see every single moment I ever spent with you. Every so often I feel weak. Troubled. Tormented and harassed. Every so often. Every time I turn around I see a reminder of what I’ve lived through. Every time I see a boy and a girl walking together I see us. Or what used to be. Every time I drive down that street, I remember the conversation. I remember what I was to you and I’m sorry. Sorry that I was alive in a story that existed only in my head. Where you have taken up too much space for far too long. Its been a year since the masks fell. Its been a year of dragged steps towards a haunted healing and a haunted life. A year where I took two steps forwards and four steps back. Every so often, I feel sorry. I feel sorry for you and sorry for me. I feel sorry for all that couldn’t be. Maybe its a story of two different people, not us. Maybe its all just a story conjured in my head. Maybe. Maybe I was meant to be without you from the very first. Maybe, just maybe, you were right. Maybe I’m the best that I could be, without you.
Face down, out of breath, as you try to push your pain away with lifeless limbs, and when you find yourself screaming into your pillow, you know the time has come. You always knew something was wrong. You always told yourself you’re nuts to be unhappy. In spite of your intuition and despite your misery, you carry on telling yourself how happy you are. You know what I call that? I call that waking up. I call it falling out of love. I know Love is described as the nearest one can get to living a fairy tale, but life isn’t a fairy tale. It’s a satire. It’s more like a dark comedy, if you have the sense of humor to digest it, of course.
After seeing the dark side of the moon that is my life, I decided that I needed to figure myself out. Who am I, outside the imaginary fairy tale I’d been living in. I needed to answer some very hard and very harsh questions. The answers that I deserve would never come from the quarters that owe them to me. So once again, I found myself searching my own soul for closure. A friend calls what I did next “running away”. I call it a time out. My life has become a series of unfortunate events and I’m tired and exhausted. To step out of this vicious circle of crap, I went to the only place on the planet that offers sanctuary to even the unholiest of men, my parents. I did nothing, I spoke to no one. My days became a cocktail of big bang theory, how i met your mother, gossip girl, and many movies. I did nothing. except walk. I walked for hours every evening. I wasn’t ready to speak to anyone. So I spoke to myself. I realized a few things. A little too late, but at least some of my questions were answered.
I realized that the boundaries of compromise can be very delicate. And once broken, the consequences can be severe enough to kill the cause of the sacrifice. There is only so much one should bend. Even for love. Specially for love.
The voice inside that says No is the one to hear. the voice inside that Yes, should be the one that guides you. Listen to yourself before letting in the noise from everyone around. There’s a truth about you that only you know and only you can fight for. And if you don’t, it will defeat you. So don’t run. Not from who you are, nor towards who you’re not. Its a habit on the to break list, definitely.
While I walked up and down the same roads every day, I found myself averse to trying out new routes, and the one day that Dad insisted I try a different path, I went along, but came back to my route the very next day. That’s life. A false sense of comfort and a habit of the familiar begin to dictate the course of our life too. We forget to try new things. We forget to break old habits. We forget that change is constant and that is fact to be embraced. You cannot hold on to something that is destined to go away. Someone once commented on a one of my poems, “The art of losing is not hard to master – some things are so filled with intent of loss, that losing them is no disaster.” I’ve learnt to lose. I’ve learnt that the only way I can do it with a smile on my face, is to get used to it. If in the attempt to adapt, a few wins come my way, I will be consider myself blessed.
You could sky write your whole destiny in hope to making it come true with the power of thought but only what is destined will happen- wrong. I used to think I don’t control what happens to me. It’s all decided by the big guy upstairs. What I’ve realized now is that the way i want my life to be, it will turn out to be like that, only I didn’t know how it was done before. Now, I think I have a fairly better idea. Practice. Practice to have faith. Not only in your desires but in your own capability to fulfill these desires for yourself. Why is it that the pair of shoes we see in the shops ends up in our closet a week later? Because we know that I want it. I can get them when my pay cheque arrives. So i have to work for another week to get them. But when we fall in love, we are ridden with thoughts of betrayal and insecurity, but we pray that we ride into the sunset with our beloved. So we know what we want, but have no faith in our ability to get it. Is it any surprise that you aren’t the somebody that rode away.. It’s no surprise at all.
Lastly, there are some things that are honestly out of your control. Maybe while you were praying for rain, someone else was praying for sunshine and they prayed a little harder than you. Forgive yourself. If you want a shot at your future, forgive yourself before you consider forgiving those who wronged you. Within this life, the scores of Karma are settled. So there is very little left for us to do, save forgiving yourself for mistakes made out of being blind and foolish in love, and atone for the ones we made to hurt other. Leave the justice of the world to God. Nothing you don’t need will ever happen to you, whether you realize it or not.
I’d just like to leave you with this thought, that it isn’t over until the fat lady sings. So don’t draw the curtain on your own play.
I stand behind this door,
A door larger than the room behind,
If it’s holding me in or keeping you out,
It doesn’t say, to me it isn’t kind.
I push and lean against it,
All my strength and might I give,
It doesn’t budge, not even a little,
I wonder if I must push till I live.
I hear your voice from beyond,
Beyond the great barricades you stand,
You sound distant and act it too,
There’s no pain like this in all the land.
But the power of love understands none of this,
All it see’s are two fools, desperate to damage,
The purest form of life ever known to both,
And kill it till there’s nothing left to salvage.
That very force renews my resolve,
I take this bull by its horns and try,
This time I feel the doors give a little,
I push harder, the sheer effort makes me cry.
To humor me, the door gives a little,
A shadow in retreat I see, but just a glimpse,
Heart racing, I shove harder with renewed life,
The door falls open, and I,with relief, limp.
Alas, my fears are realised,
For what lies beyond is not you,
What lies beyond is just the path,
The path you walked, to everything new.
I see your footsteps in the tracks,
I see the misery in every time you looked back,
You believed I held the keys to past,
Can’t call out, through the tears, my voice wont crack.
So now I’m stranded on the other side,
Where you always stood tall,
This feels distorted, it makes my skin crawl,
I swallow my pride, and brace myself for the fall.
I walk in your wake, intimidated by the forest,
Looked upon with disdain by the night,
Head bowed in shame, I trudge along,
Your memory remains my only fuel in this fight.
Apprehension settles in my bones,
Your face swims in front of my face,
This is my last chance at being rescued,
From my own devilry and disgrace.
And so I must embrace this fear,
I must befriend the pain and your wrath,
The crime is mine, now so is the punishment,
I accept the retribution, and walk along this thorny path.