Every so often you come and sit right in the middle of my mind. Every so often, I can only see every single moment I ever spent with you. Every so often I feel weak. Troubled. Tormented and harassed. Every so often. Every time I turn around I see a reminder of what I’ve lived through. Every time I see a boy and a girl walking together I see us. Or what used to be. Every time I drive down that street, I remember the conversation. I remember what I was to you and I’m sorry. Sorry that I was alive in a story that existed only in my head. Where you have taken up too much space for far too long. Its been a year since the masks fell. Its been a year of dragged steps towards a haunted healing and a haunted life. A year where I took two steps forwards and four steps back. Every so often, I feel sorry. I feel sorry for you and sorry for me. I feel sorry for all that couldn’t be. Maybe its a story of two different people, not us. Maybe its all just a story conjured in my head. Maybe. Maybe I was meant to be without you from the very first. Maybe, just maybe, you were right. Maybe I’m the best that I could be, without you.
I lay brick over brick,
Laboriously I build,
Walls so tall around me,
So no one around can see.
I paint myself invisible,
I hide myself away,
Behind those walls, so mighty,
So no one can touch me, even slightly.
I welcome the night,
It brings with it the darkness,
A blanket, if you will,
Under which I can lie, still.
It’s not my fears,
That make me look away,
It’s the pain of my misery,
It’s us, and our history.
It’s the walking away,
It’s the breaking of hearts,
It’s how you tore me down,
Turned every smile to a frown.
It’s these walls alone,
That can keep me safe,
Away from the eyes,
Away from a love that dies.
I build these walls,
Brick by each brick,
To keep myself hidden,
To save me from the anarchy within.
I wrench my heart,
I expose my soul,
My being has become,
Black as coal.
You look at me,
You’re scared, yes?
You can’t look away,
You’re a bit of a mess.
I saw the truth,
That you ran away from,
I made it mine,
Stood in the eye of the storm.
You look at me,
Trying to find your friend,
But after the cards you played,
I’m afraid it’s our end.
I’ve wrenched my heart,
And now I’m cold,
So I find the will,
To throw out the old.
I twisted my soul,
And now I don’t care,
About you and your fears,
Your substance lies bare.
Walk away now,
While you have a chance
A few lessons wait for you,
Karma does its wicked dance.
I promise you this,
Through all the pain and the sweat,
I’ll walk away smiling,
I will forgive & I will forget.
Was on my way back from work,
This is what I had always dreamed of,
For us, this job was only another perk.
I’d fought for a while now,
And you’d help me gear up,
For the battle of convention,
Was no storm in a teacup.
You and I together hustled,
To overcome this last hurdle,
Lest we anger or upset,
The hand that rocks the cradle..
Right before we reached the finishing line,
In the last leg of this race,
I stumbled and fell over my feet,
And you silently backed away from the disgrace.
Shocked as I am on my own misjudgment,
A little voice in my head chants,
That it takes two to tango,
To master it, we’d worked hard as ants.
Feel as lonely as does an island,
In this world of targets and goals,
You were always my only aim,
Now saying your name is like swallowing coals.
I’m deafened by the screaming voices,
That rile up my silent mind,
Whenever I think about our downfall,
I wonder if it was fate being cruel or kind.
We’re only human, is what I tell myself,
Trying to justify and comprehend,
This is beyond me as well,
I tried desperately, but failed to make amends.
Enough is enough, the reader must say,
This woman is quite obsessed,
Either in love with the pain or its cause,
I’d say both have me equally possessed.
Just a bit of a warning to you love,
I just might be on to your plan,
Your next steps I might have guessed,
You’ve failed the test of a true man.
Forgiveness is at the very heart of love,
I wonder where your’s went for a walk,
We forgave and always forgot,
Tell me, were those promises just written in chalk?
This and all else I did for you,
My city, home, life et all,
You found it surprisingly easy to retreat,
Maybe you couldn’t hear the crash of my fall.
Since what you pushed for,
You don’t want anymore,
I shall find another who does,
And let your love be washed ashore.
Be careful what you wish for,
Is a lesson well learnt from you,
Your mad dash from a wish’s realization,
Has given me a well needed clue.
One that I have studied and filed away,
If you ever return to me in the future,
I’ll remember this fact and brace myself,
That heartache is your regular feature.
I thought I was giving us a part of our dreams,
Who knew your life’s ambition never lied with me,
All my sweat and blood amounted to nothing,
I guess sacrifice in any form aint your cuppa tea.
I bid farewell to us today sweetheart,
May my silence be your constant companion,
I’ll keep just this pain with me,
Just another soldier in my personal battalion.
The sun dont shine, the moon is dull,
In the air, there’s a dreadful lull.
Crying away into the night, no comfort, its a constant fight.
Today I’m tired and weary, without you, my tomorrows looks dreary.
Come sooner, then later.
This that I find in my heart, this huge crater, its yours to fill…
This loneliness, you or me, who is it trying to kill….