And, I’m Scared.


When I feel a stirring in my heart, I’m scared.
Scared if its the beginning of something.
When my breath catches in my throat at the sound of a name, I panic.
I panic that this feeling wont go. Its a premonition.
A premonition of pain coming my way.
I cant pay the price of a beating heart.
The hollowness inside comes much cheaper and leaves a bit of me alive.
Helps me make it to the end.
I came here to live and all I’m left with is survival.
The complete annihilation of my being stares me in my face every second of every day that I let a sliver of hope look me in the eye and show me the possibilities.
I close my eyes, and brush aside the vision, turn around and run, run like the devil himself was hot on my heels.
The shadow of a hand reaching for mine, the mere idea, makes me shiver with repulsion.
It’s repulsive, the thought of you coming into my days, changing them and leaving.
Leaving me alone, incapable of the thought of existence beyond you.
This cannot happen to me again, not one more time.
The flimsy threads holding my bones together threaten to collapse.
To take all I’ve built down with them. This must not happen.
I must soldier through your spell and deflect your charm.
Words are misleading, actions  disappointing, promises are empty and love is imaginary.
This is my last chance. Escape and liberation are my only shot at salvation.
And I will not let them go. I will escape.
Because I’m scared of falling in love.
I’m scared, of you.

Today I Pray


It’s beyond me, this upheaval,

Your request to me is, most medieval,

The very core of faith, you question,

At the very thought of me, or mention.

 

Stunning it has become, this spectacle,

How often we go back and forth is despicable,

I’m beginning to feel like your toy,

I ask myself, in love, when was it lost, the joy.

 

We have bent over, and now stand broken,

It seems like a fairy tale, all that we had ever spoken,

Lovely as words, but just a fantasy,

Our conversations left me drunk with ecstasy.

 

Forgive and forget is a concept well forgotten,

Promises now weigh in lighter than cotton,

Betrayal and deceit are rampant everywhere,

Show me what is left of the life we shared.

 

Wise is he who stands by his conviction,

An aberration gets passed of as fiction,

As the sun sets on us, all that one can say,

Is that the town of vindication wont come my way.

 

My heart and bones lie broken in the corner,

I look on in silence, their solitary mourner,

This is what I call a modern-day tragedy,

How young lives get wasted, such travesty.

  

Are these your justifications or are they excuses,

I don’t believe even you after these bruises,

My glass swings between being half full and otherwise,

There’s no respite from my soul’s constant cries.

 

You sail in the same boat, you say,

Liar, your boat, in the opposite direction sails away,

Leaving the pieces for me to pick up alone,

But my courage, now no longer is my own.

 

Puppets I feel we’ve both become,

All strings attached and always glum,

Dancing to the tunes of fate,

Our stage stands black with hate.

  

Dear lord, today I pray,

May no one see a life so gray,

The canvas that was the whitest of whites,

Now stands stained with betrayal’s graphite.

 

A lot about love and loss is written,

I doubt if I can chew what I’ve bitten,

I hope from you, not far I stray,

May you find your heart, today I pray.