Waking Up.


Face down, out of breath, as you try to push your pain away with lifeless limbs, and when you find yourself screaming into your pillow, you know the time has come. You always knew something was wrong. You always told yourself you’re nuts to be unhappy. In spite of your intuition and despite your misery, you carry on telling yourself how happy you are. You know what I call that? I call that waking up. I call it falling out of love. I know Love is described as the nearest one can get to living a fairy tale, but life isn’t a fairy tale. It’s a satire. It’s more like a dark comedy, if you have the sense of humor to digest it, of course.

After seeing the dark side of the moon that is my life, I decided that I needed to figure myself out. Who am I, outside the imaginary fairy tale I’d been living in. I needed to answer some very hard and very harsh questions. The answers that I deserve would never come from the quarters that owe them to me. So once again, I found myself searching my own soul for closure. A friend calls what I did next “running away”. I call it a time out. My life has become a series of unfortunate events and I’m tired and exhausted. To step out of this vicious circle of crap, I went to the only place on the planet that offers sanctuary to even the unholiest of men, my parents. I did nothing, I spoke to no one. My days became a cocktail of big bang theory, how i met your mother, gossip girl, and many movies. I did nothing. except walk. I walked for hours every evening. I wasn’t ready to speak to anyone. So I spoke to myself. I realized a few things. A little too late, but at least some of my questions were answered.

I realized that the boundaries of compromise can be very delicate. And once broken, the consequences can be severe enough to kill the cause of the sacrifice. There is only so much one should bend. Even for love. Specially for love.

The voice inside that says No is the one to hear. the voice inside that Yes, should be the one that guides you. Listen to yourself before letting in the noise from everyone around. There’s a truth about you that only you know and only you can fight for. And if you don’t, it will defeat you. So don’t run. Not from who you are, nor towards who you’re not. Its a habit on the to break list, definitely.

While I walked up and down the same roads every day, I found myself averse to trying out new routes, and the one day that Dad insisted I try a different path, I went along, but came back to my route the very next day. That’s life. A false sense of comfort and a habit of the familiar begin to dictate the course of our life too. We forget to try new things. We forget to break old habits. We forget that change is constant and that is fact to be embraced. You cannot hold on to something that is destined to go away. Someone once commented on a one of my poems, “The art of losing is not hard to master – some things are so filled with intent of loss, that losing them is no disaster.” I’ve learnt to lose. I’ve learnt that the only way I can do it with a smile on my face, is to get used to it. If in the attempt to adapt, a few wins come my way, I will be consider myself blessed.

You could sky write your whole destiny in hope to making it come true with the power of thought but only what is destined will happen- wrong. I used to think I don’t control what happens to me. It’s all decided by the big guy upstairs. What I’ve realized now is that the way i want my life to be, it will turn out to be like that, only I didn’t know how it was done before. Now, I think I have a fairly better idea. Practice. Practice to have faith. Not only in your desires but in your own capability to fulfill these desires for yourself. Why is it that the pair of shoes we see in the shops ends up in our closet a week later? Because we know that I want it. I can get them when my pay cheque arrives. So i have to work for another week to get them. But when we fall in love, we are ridden with thoughts of betrayal and insecurity, but we pray that we ride into the sunset with our beloved. So we know what we want, but have no faith in our ability to get it. Is it any surprise that you aren’t the somebody that rode away.. It’s no surprise at all.

Lastly, there are some things that are honestly out of your control. Maybe while you were praying for rain, someone else was praying for sunshine and they prayed a little harder than you. Forgive yourself. If you want a shot at your future, forgive yourself before you consider forgiving those who wronged you. Within this life, the scores of Karma are settled. So there is very little left for us to do, save forgiving yourself for mistakes made out of being blind and foolish in love, and atone for the ones we made to hurt other. Leave the justice of the world to God. Nothing you don’t need will ever happen to you, whether you realize it or not.

I’d just like to leave you with this thought, that it isn’t over until the fat lady sings. So don’t draw the curtain on your own play.

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16 responses to “Waking Up.

  1. you have done a lot of editing and publishing of this article 🙂 i have 31 emails telling you have posted a article he he he

    Loved the last line and God has been kind enough so far to me that he has given me the strength to stand tall and not let go till the fat lady sings 🙂

    not everything is in our control if it was we would be god .. and plus god has to listen to a lot of requests and wishes so has to come to yours when he gets time or your turn.. turns up

    Love is something that i have my doubts about but then thats my experience many people have had beautiful life full of love ..

    Take care 🙂

  2. Incredible writing Sanya. There is so much here I could say as I ponder all you said. I see your time away from things and visiting your parents allowed a lot of meditation. What I hope for you is that you continue on a positive note in life in general and you have many smiles always. You deserve the best and only the best deserves you!
    Take care my friend and I say nothing is over while we’re alive. That fat lady can’t even sing! 😀

    • I’d love to hear what you have to say Scott… How about a little something about your take on waking up…? Thanks for all the blessings. :). You deserve nothing but the best.

      • I’m not sure if it’s possible to stay awake. We have these human souls with conditions that seem out of our control. I love in Buddhism what is taught, the fact of “desire = suffering” yet having desires is almost impossible. Also, I like that having an “awakening” is not necessarily the escape from the conditions we’re born with. It’s the ability to see those conditions. Blessed are the rare moments of clarity that I’ve seen everything as an awake person, but it’s difficult to keep it. Yet, there’s a saying here “ignorance is bliss” and I agree. The two opposite ends of the spectrum are complete ignorance and being truly awake always.

        I believe the ultimate soul success would be “enlightenment” and it’s very difficult to achieve, so I’ve read in my studies and I think you have to live away from the normal world in solitude to maintain it, lol. But perhaps just accepting this gift of life with it’s pains and good feelings is a good mindset. The ability to feel pain is even like a gift. You have life and feelings and the ever-growing wisdom will allow us to learn how to perceive everything how it really is. Everything is exactly as it should be and EVERYTHING is out of our control, except our own actions.

        I’m no teacher and I’m only a student of life, but wanted to say my thoughts. I know the questions of your soul are specific to something, but I answered in the broad sense which still applies.

        Continue awake my friend 🙂

      • Full marks for reading. And we’re all students. I’m aware of how our environment and our humanity turns all these enlightened thoughts to dust. But I like the comfort in knowing that these thoughts are mine. Whenever I find my mind wandering into dangerous waters, I’ll remind myself that these thoughts belong to me. And maybe I’ll draw courage from them.
        You’re right. Ignorance is bliss, but knowledge is power. And I choose the everlasting power over short lived bliss. After all, in this one life, I must live all that I can. And its with friends like you that one can fathom the true potential of what life has to offer. So why spend it in solitude.. Away from all that is beautiful.. I say let’s soldier on..
        Sent from BlackBerry® on Airtel

  3. Sanya, i knew God from early on in life as we always do. His voice was always near from the time when i began to make choices. Many times the voice said think this over or moved my heart to know it would be a mistake or a disaster. I did everything that i desired to do. And he never stopped talking to me, especially when the things i did was wrong. One day after so many failures, i heard his soft voice…try me! But before i did i had to realize my own faults for i was my own worst enemy. Then i had to come to understand that i needed something supernatural to guide on the road less traveled. First i have to learn that i myself was precious and that nothing could tear me down or apart without my permission to come into my space. Then i sought his help earnestly. I was finally tired of repeating the same fruitless actions over and over again. I realized it would not hurt, it could not be any worse than i was at that time. I stopped running the streets, partying and doing all kind of things. I stopped chasing after the dollar. I found that what i valued in my life was valueless. I needed substance. So i chose the path. It changed me for i am more intropective before making any decisions and i pray. I still fall but i learn each day from mistakes i make, and i do not seem to repeat them. I talk to God and my main relationship was with Him alone. I asked him for a wife, so that i would not be chasing women in the street. That happened, nothing is perfect, but in every relationship there is compromise and respect, a binding of two into one. The same as with God, a binding of two into one. He will guide you, and while in the flesh you will never be perfect, but what grows within your heart and spirit will lift you to new heights in your life. Respect and love your parents always and you will be blessed always with a long life. The relationship is primary and means being selfish for your own ends to develop with one you cannot see! But you will know its right. Once there you will find better relationships with those who come into your space…because you will be better equipped with a “discerning eye and heart”. You have taken the first step. I have become better for it. But remember i still fall…but not long. Much love to you my sister. Here is one of the many poems i have written to God! I am sharing it with you to bring a smile to your face…you are never alone and loved by many!

    “I Will Praise You”

    I praise You as I rise
    in the morning while
    it yet is dark…

    And out of the darkness
    I praise You as I ask for
    Your light to enlighten me.

    I call out aloud for Your
    wisdom and understanding
    as I eat of Your word.

    I ask for You to always
    stand by me as Your
    love always has,
    so that I would never
    be alone.

    I cry out in the darkness
    for you to heal my spirit
    and my soul…

    And I ask for shelter Lord,
    from the evil of the world.

    I ask for you to always be
    my shield, to protect me
    from the arrows of the evil one,
    but also from my worst enemy…
    myself.

    And I see You Lord, in the
    morning as the sun does
    smile this day, chasing away
    the darkness that did engulf me,
    with the beauty of its radiant
    rays lifting my spirit.

    For all things are possible
    when we trust in you
    and believe your word.

    And one finds a
    Treasure, as they believe
    in Your divinity.

    Wendell A. Brown
    Copyright 2010,
    All Rights Reserved.

    • Wendell… I cannot thank you enough. you have summarized the one thing I didn’t list here. That when all else fails, look for God. This is one thing that is best realized without inception. Thanks for the poem, thats for the brave words. May god bless me as i can see he has blessed you.
      Thanks for reading… and thanks for sharing… it means the world..

  4. A Native American boy was talking with his grandfather.

    “What do you think about the world situation?” he asked.

    The grandfather replied, “I feel like wolves are fighting in my heart. One is full of anger and hatred; the other is full of love, forgiveness, and peace.”

    “Which one will win?” asked the boy.

    To which the grandfather replied, “The one I feed.”

    ~(Origin Unknown)

    This simple story provides the essence of a life-changing law of the universe … You become what you think about. The words are almost too simple to “feel important.” However, if you “get it,” if you truly understand their meaning, you can forever harness the power of a positive attitude.

    Simply stated … if we choose to think positive thoughts, we’ll get positive results; if we think negative thoughts, we’ll get negative results. Pretend for a moment that every thought is a seed you sow in your fertile mind. Therefore, as I once heard someone say, “If you plant crabapples, don’t expect to harvest Golden Delicious.” You will reap the fruit of the thoughts you sow.

    “Whether you think you can, or think you can’t … you’re right.”
    ~Henry Ford

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