Today I Pray

It’s beyond me, this upheaval,

Your request to me is, most medieval,

The very core of faith, you question,

At the very thought of me, or mention.


Stunning it has become, this spectacle,

How often we go back and forth is despicable,

I’m beginning to feel like your toy,

I ask myself, in love, when was it lost, the joy.


We have bent over, and now stand broken,

It seems like a fairy tale, all that we had ever spoken,

Lovely as words, but just a fantasy,

Our conversations left me drunk with ecstasy.


Forgive and forget is a concept well forgotten,

Promises now weigh in lighter than cotton,

Betrayal and deceit are rampant everywhere,

Show me what is left of the life we shared.


Wise is he who stands by his conviction,

An aberration gets passed of as fiction,

As the sun sets on us, all that one can say,

Is that the town of vindication wont come my way.


My heart and bones lie broken in the corner,

I look on in silence, their solitary mourner,

This is what I call a modern-day tragedy,

How young lives get wasted, such travesty.


Are these your justifications or are they excuses,

I don’t believe even you after these bruises,

My glass swings between being half full and otherwise,

There’s no respite from my soul’s constant cries.


You sail in the same boat, you say,

Liar, your boat, in the opposite direction sails away,

Leaving the pieces for me to pick up alone,

But my courage, now no longer is my own.


Puppets I feel we’ve both become,

All strings attached and always glum,

Dancing to the tunes of fate,

Our stage stands black with hate.


Dear lord, today I pray,

May no one see a life so gray,

The canvas that was the whitest of whites,

Now stands stained with betrayal’s graphite.


A lot about love and loss is written,

I doubt if I can chew what I’ve bitten,

I hope from you, not far I stray,

May you find your heart, today I pray.

Give Yourself A Chance

Let me try something new today. Enough with poems and rhymes, though I’m tempted to start writing in prose. I’d like to write about why I write. I write to put into words what I can only feel but fail to comprehend. It helps shape my thoughts into something comprehensive from the heaving mess that they usually are. I’m yet to break my self down to understandable portions. I’m hoping this is common so I can figure it out with someone. Tired of hearing how, “I know best”, when quite honestly, I don’t. How is one sure of what they want? Where does the faith come from? Faith in oneself to understand all the signals and clues? May be it comes naturally to most, but I find that my ears turn deaf to the call within.

My disposition has landed me into a series of unfortunate events, that have been more than taxing to live through. To try to survive without your inner guide, is as bad as being lost in a jungle without a compass. I find that most times I could have been saved a lot of misery, and could have saved others from a similar fate, if only I was aware. It seems like I cried wolf to my self way too many times and now my warning bells go unheard.

What I’m trying to say here, and maybe failing at, is that the path of self discovery should precede any other “journey” we begin. Or at least till the time, we walk this road, all other adventures should be detours. Or that’s my take on it. One must try at an early age to pin point the things that make them wake up in the morning with excitement or enthusiasm. To put it off to another day is a gamble with all the odds against you. Man is alive now, and he must know his destiny in the moment he lives in. I made the mistake of going too far on a detour and now I can’t seem to find the highway.

There are very few who are born with the knack for knowing their subconscious. For us lesser mortals, hit and trial is a highly risky, and yet the only option open. One thing I noticed to be true in all my hits, and misses, was that it gets worse with every attempt. And life doesn’t give you a “time-out” to figure it out. The lack of self awareness snowballs into ultimate calamity.

In such times, some truths always saw me through. I share them here for those who are sailing in my boat. I still take up the most room. I doubt there’s another soul as clueless as me out there.

1. Mum is literally always right. The woman has an inbuilt alarm that goes off whenever she senses that something’s threatening you. Listen to her.

2. Have a friend around to bounce your doubt off of. It’ll help you get in touch with how you really feel. My best friend tells me to pull my socks up even before I do something to get myself in a soup.

3. Admit to your flaws and failings. Accepting you have a problem is the only way to even have a shot at fixing it. Conscious thought and effort are your only hope mate…

4. NEVER ever turn your back to those who love you. These people are wise and sensitive. They would have to be. Loving someone who doesn’t know their own selves takes a higher being.

5. Patience is a virtue for more reasons than I can count. You took a pretty long time to mess your life up. Give life some time to straighten you out.

6. Solitude helps only if you know how to use it. Otherwise, it’s just an excuse to let depression settle in. Be very careful of crossing the line beyond which help is scarce.

7. Music is my saviour. Truly, the kind of pain Pink Floyd will heal, morphine wont. Trust the big guys. They knew what they were talking about. Enjoy their weed induced wisdom without the aftermath.

8. Believe in yourself. Or you will fail yourself each and every single time. The victories will turn to defeat before you can finish your thank you speech.

9. Invest. Invest in something that drives you. Invest emotionally, physically, and mentally. You need to know that it matters that you pick yourself up. Something must drive you to take the responsibility on your shoulders for its success or failure. Try it. It works. You’ll find out a truck load about yourself.

10. Lastly, only what you truly wants will ever come to you. Ask yourself what you want every day and see the difference. You will find yourself with some answers and some blanks. The blanks take time to fill out, but the answers will guide you in understanding your desires and needs much more than this blog will.

I hope that the reader finds something useful here. This is the crux of all the mails I’ve been getting lately.. Yeah the ones that try to get me to see the bigger picture and life coach like raving and ranting. All the things that are supposed to make you feel warm and fuzzy.. full of hope, not all pretty, not all easy, will help you smoothen out the creases in the blueprint of your lives. The harder it seems now, the easier it gets later. Give yourself a chance. That’s all I ask.

Follow your Bliss.

Its 4 AM and I’m wide awake,

Unnerved by the silence in the house,

The streets are quiet as can be,

And to witness the calm, there’s you and me.


The stillness that follows a storm,

Is the very worst of its kind,

Its evidence of the destruction effected,

Singlehandedly by the truth we rejected.


At the break of dawn I stand,

Right where I was at dusk,

Twilight brought no revelations,

I stand frozen forever in consternation.


Wish there was a book we could turn to,

A book of love that had all the answers,

To the impossible questions in our minds,

The answers to which no one ever finds.


Let me meet those people they talk about,

Those that have been successful in love,

I want to riddle them these circumstances,

Where we’re deprived of even stolen glances.


Its 4 PM in the evening now,

I sit right where I did as we spoke,

Of love and life, in the past years,

You forgot it all and memorized the fears.


In blanket lies all the reality,

Where it rightfully does belongs,

Of something as pure and precious,

You cannot be so cavalier and suspicious.


Forgive my youth and incapability,

Maybe I cannot see what you do,

But trust the innocence that it brings along,

There’s no one else to whom we may belong.


Your words are the same as mine,

Just the intent behind them is different,

While you taint your words with devastation,

I line mine with the courage of conviction.


It seems like the clock stopped ticking,

Since that fateful day months ago,

I don’t see what changed so much,

That can justify your word’s painful touch.


The sun is now slowly setting,

I see such symbolism in everything now,

Like this day, we too are engulfed in grey,

For there to be light, I can only pray.


What has become of me,

Is your astounded query dear one,

Emotional fool or a nervous wreck,

It’s your call really, take your pick.


Try as we might, we seem to be failing,

At killing the last flicker of hope,

I hear your voice and it grows again,

Effervescent, just like Champaign.


Two steps forward, and four steps back,

It’s a constant battle to make a move,

On towards the opposite direction,

Alas, I’m drawn right back in your arm’s protection.


Countless hours I have spent,

Trying to point a finger at the culprit,

Was it your aloofness or my insecurity,

That lost us a lifetime of loving sanctuary.


I wait for you to stand face to face,

I need to see the truth in your eyes,

For there to exist a chance for me to reason,

This unforgivable act of high treason.


I do not promise to wait for the judgement,

That you might eventually arrive at,

I cannot promise you my tomorrow,

My very existence, seems to fill you with sorrow.


But I do ask for one last wish,

Grant this to me as your parting gift,

Promise me one last goodnight kiss,

And promise me that you’ll always, follow your bliss.

Soldier of Love.

So I was thinking about us the other day,

Was on my way back from work,

This is what I had always dreamed of,

For us, this job was only another perk.


I’d fought for a while now,

And you’d help me gear up,

For the battle of convention,

Was no storm in a teacup.


You and I together hustled,

To overcome this last hurdle,

Lest we anger or upset,

The hand that rocks the cradle..


Right before we reached the finishing line,

In the last leg of this race,

I stumbled and fell over my feet,

And you silently backed away from the disgrace.


Shocked as I am on my own misjudgment,

A little voice in my head chants,

That it takes two to tango,

To master it, we’d worked hard as ants.


Feel as lonely as does an island,

In this world of targets and goals,

You were always my only aim,

Now saying your name is like swallowing coals.


I’m deafened by the screaming voices,

That rile up my silent mind,

Whenever I think about our downfall,

I wonder if it was fate being cruel or kind.


We’re only human, is what I tell myself,

Trying to justify and comprehend,

This is beyond me as well,

I tried desperately, but failed to make amends.


Enough is enough, the reader must say,

This woman is quite obsessed,

Either in love with the pain or its cause,

I’d say both have me equally possessed.


Just a bit of a warning to you love,

I just might be on to your plan,

Your next steps I might have guessed,

You’ve failed the test of a true man.


Forgiveness is at the very heart of love,

I wonder where your’s went for a walk,

We forgave and always forgot,

Tell me, were those promises just written in chalk?


This and all else I did for you,

My city, home, life et all,

You found it surprisingly easy to retreat,

Maybe you couldn’t hear the crash of my fall.


Since what you pushed for,

You don’t want anymore,

I shall find another who does,

And let your love be washed ashore.


Be careful what you wish for,

Is a lesson well learnt from you,

Your mad dash from a wish’s realization,

Has given me a well needed clue.


One that I have studied and filed away,

If you ever return to me in the future,

I’ll remember this fact and brace myself,

That heartache is your regular feature.


I thought I was giving us a part of our dreams,

Who knew your life’s ambition never lied with me,

All my sweat and blood amounted to nothing,

I guess sacrifice in any form aint your cuppa tea.


I bid farewell to us today sweetheart,

May my silence be your constant companion,

I’ll keep just this pain with me,

Just another soldier in my personal battalion.

Take A Bow…

 Yeah the time has arrived,

Finally, your focus has shifted

You were never where I was,

The fog has finally lifted.


Your purpose seems to have been achieved,

You’ve clearly sorted through your priorities,

More fool me to have expected any different,

You always did dot your i’s and cross your t’s.


You, my dear, are a twisted artist,

The art of deception I must learn from you,

I envy the way you dress up your lies,

And make them feel more real than the truth.


Stupid lil me, that I followed you around,

With butterflies in my stomach, and stars in my eyes,

I fooled myself into believing this myth called love,

I honestly believed you were my private sunrise.


I’ll let this vitriol flow freely today,

For I stand today at my breaking point,

With this sight that you’ve shown me boy,

All the  dots apear to be joined.


Man, do you paint an ugly picture,

You make me feel ugly too,

How the hell does one turn so blind,

To ignore each and every last clue .


This game that you have invented,

Where you walk over our lives,

While it might be a hoot for you,

Trust me, its not worth the asked price.


If every moment that I need you,

Is your cue to exit stage right,

Then take back your love and promises,

I can’t take much more of this fight.


Broken is my self today,

Along with its respect and dignity,

A river of tears has been wasted,

I could have used it over an eternity.


A friend once said that closure is a bitch,

Always thought it was too much of a fuss,

But I must agree with him now, after you and me,

He seems to be much wiser than us.


My eyes burn through the skull,

And the heart forces its way through my throat,

Alarmingly my stomach turns inside out,

I’m seasick, and I’m not even on a boat.


This I’m sure is nothing, considering,

The debacle I’ve put you through,

I dont deny you your suffering,

But  if I’m a sadist, then so are you.


I changed my stand, you say,

Why, you’re absoulutely right,

At least I took one, and stood beside you,

I dare you to choose me, if you might.


If goodbye must come this way,

Then I welcome it with open arms,

You’re leaving so I might be happy,

Why dont you ‘fess up, turn off your charm.


The truth, I can only guess,

Is that you’re playing it safe from afar,

Then falling in love was clearly a misstep,

Its like being hit by a falling star.


Pathetic I know it is,

To still want to be with you,

I guess that’s how filthy love is,

It scares you of anything new.


My punishment, I shall live,

Don’t you worry about that,

Worry about yourself, my love,

The day of judgement will see through your crap.


Just pray that we find a painless end,

We’ve lived through enough now,

Let life take what’s left of us,

We got played, now take a bow….


The Moment of Truth.

You and I are strangers by day,

But we both unite by nightfall,

Captured in the trappings of life,

Dreams bring us together in our rise and fall.


Every one has that one secret desire,

For which no sacrifice is too much,

And we would move mountains,

Just for that one elusive touch.


We might be as contrary as chalk and cheese,

But we are one amongst the crowd,

And there runs a story, through the both of us,

Screaming to be told out aloud.


Your needs having gone unanswered,

My cries for help having gone unheard,

Our lives seem to have been wasted,

Ignoring the unobserved.


What you were looking for, I never possessed,

What you offered, I never needed,

Like those who desire what is in another’s hand,

The warning of the fates, i never heeded.


The beggar, the borrower and the thief,

Live the desperation of deprivation within,

While the father, son and the holy ghost,

Grant the wishes of other men.


The woman, wife and mother,

Only ever wanted to be loved and accepted,

The man, husband and father,

Was only too afraid of being rejected.


Turning their backs on love in the day,

And longing for each other at night,

The same two people together will live,

Constantly in love, and forever in a fight.


Some tire and some waste away,

Some lose their sanity, purpose and reason,

But a few that stand braver, still persevere,

Their patience and perspiration, sees many a season.


I wish that we could understand the beauty,

Of the fact that love is the only life flow,

The vessel of the desire, and the path to its attainment,

Is chosen wisely by those in the know.


We’re all the same, at the end of the day,

Doing what needs to be done,

We let our minds trample over our hearts,

As we chant, “this show must go on.”


The vision of validation and vindication,

Keeps us on the path, that is walked by many,

Of sweat, blood and tears,

To deliver us from our sins and lead us to our destiny.


People across the world, just like you and I,

Must be living this very same life,

Man kills what he loves most, they say,

I wonder if they too, like us, to each other took a knife.


I wonder if you too, like them stand here today,

Questioning all that transpired in our tempestuous youth,

The answers that we seek, lie within our black souls,

Upon us today, is our inescapable moment of truth.

The Great Divide

Time heals all, I was told,

But that’s just a wives tale, too old.

The longer my heart goes without its drug,

The sicker it gets and craves your hug.


Ah, the humanistic folly I see,

In the misery brought upon us by me,

That you might send us to the slaughter,

I’ll still be yours, come hell or high water.


Fatal is the pain of being apart,

It’s beyond the strengths of my treacherous heart,

Any signs of recovery and it crawls back into its shell,

Yet desperately seeking a way out of its own hell.


I wish this one time, that like always my memory fails me,

And may I be spared the thought of those moments at sea,

Try as I might I can’t escape the coming years,

That hold the promise of much darkness and many fears.


After all, you have always been all that I know,

With you I learnt how to live, and go with the flow,

You taught me how far one can go in love,

And how everyone’s destinies are written in the stars above.


While I keep those lessons buried deep within,

I cannot forgive you for letting me commit this sin,

You waited until I was near recovery,

To let me drown in the bottomless lake of your misery.


True, I sent you there before,

Ignorant of how it would freeze you to your core,

The virtue of being selfish, is really underrated,

I wish you were selfish too, and had preserved what we created.


Not passing the buck here, not one bit honey,

But I must admit, I find our end mildly funny,

Where your love for me is alive, but the faith has gone,

And from a cold skeptic like me, a dead poet is born.


I wonder how you are doing since we last spoke,

If you still curse me for the way your heart I broke,

If you too have trouble sleeping and speaking aloud,

If just like me, you now too live in a dark cloud.


Why must we suffer so, and unfairly always,

Why must I miss you, and reminisce of lost days,

Why cant I stop this avalanche of regret,

Why can’t I erase the moment we met.


It’s true, I wish I’d never met you.

It been a fight, a struggle, a battle, to name a few,

The good times were few, and far apart,

And so the pessimist in me, decided to depart.


I wish you had held on, a little bit stronger,

I wish you had stayed, just a little longer,

I wish you were still my beloved anchor,

And I wasn’t the sole object of your rancour.


One realizes what they had once its gone,

I stand in the spot today, that once you were on,

Clichéd, but you were right back then,

We can’t do without each other, you’re my best friend.


But realization dawned on me too late,

You and your love, weren’t willing to wait,

So you packed your bags and moved out,

I couldn’t call you back, though i did scream and shout.


That day was my own apocalypse,

In a moment, gone were the years of our courtship,

Thus began the end of our lives.

And we were thrown across, the great divide…

The Unchanged.

Its said that some things never change,

You are one of those things for me,

My heart will always skip a beat,

Whenever your text or call I’ll see.


Even after all this time,

I lie sleepless at night,

Still waiting for your call, kiddo,

Waiting for you to say goodnight.


Even now, the rain makes me remember,

How we both were soaked to the bone,

Every time we walked out that September,

We were drenched as we ran back home.


 It’s said that somethings never change,

You will continue to be on my mind,

You will be my thought, first and last,

I’ll always believe you to be the best of your kind.


All my plans, will be for two,

You will continue to be the best in me,

All I do, will be dedicated to you,

To the door of our happiness, you will always have the key.


Some things, never do really change,

Like how grateful I am for you,

I should have spoken up sooner,

And maybe you’d have been grateful for me too…


I know how it must hurt,

For someone like you to be on the fence,

Knowing the dreams that were lost,

We cry for what is no more, and let the misery commence.


Some things never really change,

Like a secret’s mystery, and a lover’s desire,

With you I learnt the beauty of both,

And promptly proceeded to set it on fire.


I know the part of me that didn’t change,

Incapable as it was of carrying on without you,

That cursed itself over its recklessness,

And for losing you, beat itself black and blue.


I sleep with the demons of regret,

And wake with the witches of sorrow,

I live with the ghost of the past,

A shroud of black covers my tomorrow.


Don’t fool yourself, this isn’t a fatalist talking,

The time for that is long gone,

I’m being honest, maybe for the very first time,

To you, I always will belong.


What has changed, if anything,

Is that I now know the rules of the game,

When someone lays down their life for you,

It’s for more than just a right to your name.


And so while I sit and ponder,

Over all that I could have done differently,

Increasingly obvious to me it becomes,

That this really should have gone beautifully.


You were all that I had ever prayed for,

All my wishes and hopes for you,

I guess somewhere I met the evil eye,

And from a team, we came down to two.


So much changed in the past few months,

But your voice remains the same,

I still hear the smile in it,

Whenever I hear you take my name.


I hope fate undoes my wrongs,

Now that you wont let me near,

No matter how much I try to fix it,

In your heart, I’ve planted too much fear.


You will heal with time, I know,

Stronger than most I’ve seen you are,

I will wilt with time, you’ll see,

Helplessly you’ll see from afar.


I raise a toast to you, my dear, and to your mighty heart,

You’ve beaten me at my own game,

I bow in surrender to you, my dear,

And hand over my claim to fame.

The Ugly Truth.

It’s been raining for days now,

I’ve been waiting all this time,

For someone to show me the sun,

For that to come back, which is mine.


In the bottomless sea of sorrow i drown,

Wasted limbs, and a wasted life,

Weigh me down into the deep,

And i succumb to the stab of your knife.


This pain has met me before,

But never with such unforgiving violence,

I have no fear, or fight left in me now,

And so i give in, in silence.


Is it me, or is cold in this furnace?

The fire of your words, has left me frozen,

The more i insist, the more determined you are,

So a path in life, without me, you seem to have chosen.


I begged and pleaded to you, my dear,

Knowing that the folly is mine, and you are giving me what i asked,

To forgive me for not being brave enough,

To face what was always in my heart.


Two pieces of me there now exist,

One went with you, incomplete but at peace,

The other demands for retribution against itself,

And from its own life sentence, release.


Love, can be so bloody daunting,

It makes you dance to its wicked song,

Untill you can’t live without the bittersweet pain,

And then it goes away, taking all that is you along.


You will continue to care, i know,

But my words will hold you back,

I will continue to hurt, I know,

In the onslaught of your silent attack.


I’ve put you through a lot, my love,

Your time to rest has arrived,

It couldn’t have been easy to be with me,

What with my arrogance and foolish pride.


I have paid the price for my deeds,

In more ways that you should know about,

And if being away from you wasn’t bad enough,

Myself too, now I must live without.


Strange the way heartbreak will eat at you,

Alone in a busy and bustling crowd,

With friends who search for the girl they knew,

And suffocated alone, in your home’s lonely shroud.


Tears flow freely and unannounced,

Memories get sharper, with each passing day,

You said, it’ll get easier, let time work its magic,

I guess you were wrong, true love goes the other way.


Whenever and if you wish to return,

You’ll find my doors wide open,

I’ll still be waiting, like I am today,

But you’ll find me even more broken.


I’ll refrain from calling you back,

For the girl you loved has long since passed,

At least the pain of death ends eventually,

The ugly truth of your absence, will remain always, unasked.

The Lessons We Learn.

Always a lesson to be learnt in everything,

Behind every failure, and each failing,

Learn it the easy way now,

Or fate will do the needful, and how.


When you stumble and stumble again,

There are forces working at odds, you claim,

The fault cannot be yours, you insist,

Afraid of what lies beyond this ignorant mist.


While the world observes your silent misery,

You run from the reality that you’ve created, clearly,

The burden of escape, comes back compounded,

Waiting for you to turn around, astounded.


It’s a short life, my little friend,

As soon as you can, make amends,

Like an ostrich, you dug your head in the sand,

Now pay the price, play with the dealt hand.


The lover and friend you shunned at random,

The mother and father you hurt in tandem,

All that forgiveness came at a price,

And you gambled it away, with the roll of a dice.


This lesson, had you in time learnt,

Along with your misery, the pain would’ve burnt,

But you chose to keep the evil alive,

What you escaped then, now twice will arise.


Remember always what you were told,

There’s never a problem too big for the bold,

It’s never too late to right a wrong,

But don’t call him back, the one who is gone.


Some lessons well learnt, were forgotten by you,

Some lessons were unlearned on his side too,

And now you stand alone with your sorrow,

Fearing your dark and bleak tomorrow.


Well delayed, but the process must start now,

The healing must begin, to the gods, take a bow,

Nothing but a puppet you all but remain,

From the same mistakes now, you must  refrain.


The gift you lost, so precious,

The throne in a heart so spacious,

Where you ruled for years with flourish,

A man meant for love, and just to cherish.


It’s this lesson that you forgot to read,

That the warning of the fates you failed to heed,

What comes back twice, won’t come back again,

The third time is no charm, just an empty claim.


Why do you cry now, why must you repent,

The clock has been ticking, been long since he went,

Must have gone quite a distance,

He hasn’t looked back, no such instance.


Now let’s open our eyes, and re-evaluate,

What we have left, what is still on our plate,

There’s not much, not much in your net,

Pick up the piece, that’s your best bet.


Stand again, at the starting line,

And pray for mercy, to the lords divine,

That this too, may come to pass,

Or, to give you strength to walk over glass…